Run Away Home

I needed time to think. Time to pray, to just run away and be by myself for a little bit. To cry.  The marriage I was in, was getting to be overwhelming. I had lost me. I had been been verbally beat down all morning that day. Lies spewed in hatred at my face. Threats made. Shamed, degraded and none of it did I deserve. I know that now. The man I married and who showed me such love and compassion one moment, could turn on a dime and hate with a passion like I've never experienced before or since. I just needed to run away..... Just for a minute. I needed to breathe!! I..... needed to get some groceries, so I said "I'll be back," and tried to leave the house alone. 

My narcissistic, abusive,  drug addicted, hateful husband insisted on coming with me though and all the way there, through the store and on the way home he did his worst. I was too beat down at that point to stand up for myself, especially publicly. I was paying extra, for the fact that when we stopped at the gas station and for those few moments of relief when he got out of the car, I made a hasty decision and ran away!!  I just couldn't even think anymore!  All I knew is that I couldn't take one more word of hate.  And I drove off.  I almost.... Almost giggled inside when he came out the door of the gas station yelling at me to come back, but I couldn't.  I knew what I was risking.  For a quick moment I didn't care.  He was close enough that he could walk home without it being a big deal, and I could have a little peace.  Then I thought "home.... The kids."

Just then my phone rang.  He was yelling at me of course.  "Why would I want to come get you if you keep yelling at me?" I asked.

He said that I was right, and he was sorry.  He calmed down and said he just wanted to be able to talk to me and would I please come back and get him  He promised to stop.  I knew that was probably a lie, but went back anyway to keep him away from the kids.

I kept my head down in the store and fought back the tears as he followed me through the aisles continuing to verbally beat me.  When we got to the checkout, he left in a snit and went to the car. I quietly loaded my groceries on the counter, again trying not to let the tears out. Not believing I'd let this become my life!  I was on my second marriage. "This is not who you were meant to be!" My heart cried. 

The cashier, knowing me from coming in the store, looked at me in pity.  I knew she must have been hearing him throughout the store.  I avoided her eyes and looked back down; Ashamed. Embarrassed. Humiliated..... So.  Desperately.  Sad. 

I needed to get around to the back of my cart just then and said excuse me to the woman in line behind me. I needed her to move back a little. She did. When I came around she stepped from behind her cart (total stranger to me) and said "and I need to give you something."

(In my state of mind, her very serious look told me more trouble was coming. I wondered what it was that I did now, that this stranger would now yell at me for)

She then wrapped her arms around me and said. I heard him. I heard everything. And you do not deserve that. You do not deserve to be talked to that way.  I came down an aisle I didn't even need because I needed to check on you." 

The tears let loose for a quick minute. We talked a moment longer. "My mom married a man like him..... She's dead now." She told me.  At that moment I broke, right there in the grocery checkout.

She seemed to understand that if I didn't get going it would get worse for me. But before I left, she told me her name two or three times and asked me to find her on Facebook and if I ever needed a friend, I've got one. 

We've been friends ever since and she was the first to cheer when I finally had enough!

I say all that to say... Sometimes, it just takes a hug. A word of encouragement. Validation from a stranger, saying that "you don't deserve what's happening to you."

For someone else to recognize that his crazy making ways are in fact NOT right. That you're NOT crazy. If a total stranger sees it then yes, you ARE right when in the back of your mind you're already thinking:  "this relationship/marriage doesn't feel good to me. It feels wrong. I think this is abuse."

A total strangers' hug and kind words did more for me that day than anything anyone else had said up to that point. 

As I think of this chapter in my story, I can't help but think of Jesus and His love for us. I've said it before and I'll say it until the day I die.

God made something very clear to me, and I have to share it:  He has such a special place in His heart for His broken kids. Those that have been torn apart by this life. His sons and daughters, who want nothing more than to love and be loved. To raise their babies, make a difference in their little piece of the world. Those who were innocent and somewhere along the line, someone or something took that innocence. For some that innocence was taken in violent or forceful ways, for others it was taken subtly, over time, but no matter what, we ended up feeling like there was no hope left. Those of us who once had such high hopes and dreams..... Stolen from us. Whose laughter turned to tears, joy to mourning, hope to hopelessness......

I'm here to tell you..... He WANTS me to tell you....His arms are wide open. He wants to wrap you up in them. He may be a stranger to you, He may be an old Friend that you've kind of forgotten about or He may be someone you talk to often. He wants you to take a moment to just breathe, collapse into His arms (doesn't that sound so good?) Have a good cry right into His chest. Let Him hold you. Get it all out baby, He knows. He knows what's happened to you. He knows what you've done when you felt like "why not? Nobody cares anyway!"

Guess what?!?

He knows.  All of it! He loves you!!! He loves you because of it, in spite of it, and anyway!!!  Break. Let it go. Run away from it all and run straight into His arms. 

He's the Promise Keeper, Protector and Shelter you've longed for. 

He is able to do so much more than what we could ever ask or even imagine!!!

How do I know? The Bible tells me and I've lived it! Experienced it. I ran away and into His arms and broke and let Him heal my heart and soul. 

Sometimes running away is good. Run Away Home precious daughter!!! Run Away Home.....