I've always written. I recently found a disgruntled letter I had written when I was eleven to a TV station (evidently, I never sent it, though), and at twelve, my first poem was published in a national Nazarene church paper. It's never been something I could sit down and make happen. It only comes when I feel a deep, innate desire that I can't explain. I know it's from God. I've always known that since I was little. When that feeling deep within my belly happens, my fingers and hands must move; I Have to write, type, and create. The older I get, the more striking it becomes. The more I recognize it for what it is; His Hands on Mine.....
On that note, want to know something funny? I'm horrible at journaling! You may see me in church on Sundays and think that isn't true. I take notes every service. It helps me absorb what I'm hearing and gives me something to go back and look at if need be. However, as far as personal journaling is concerned, I'm not your girl. At some of the darkest moments of my life, a few well-meaning mentors told me I should be journaling, but I could never bring myself to do it. I'm sure there are journals around the house with snippets here and there, but regarding consistency, nah. Not me. I was either too depressed to pick up a pen, too mentally exhausted to get my thoughts in order, or too heartbroken to think I would ever in a million years want to look back and read about any of it. Yes, now a part of me wishes I had. As it is, for a long time, I couldn’t forget.
Now, things will come back to me, and they almost seem like such a distant memory, someone else's life, or sometimes such a vapor of the past that I have to dig to remember if it happened. That’s how well God heals. And let me tell you, I thought I would Never Heal! I sit here today so complete, loved, and thoroughly redeemed!
There was a time when I had to walk away from a life that was not what it appeared to be. Some didn't understand, and I couldn't make them understand. Friends disappeared into the background, acquaintances gave unsolicited advice, and many judged. I got as close to Jesus as possible. Roadblocks came, and more trauma was piled in, but I never let go, and He always had His hands on mine.
I recently came across an old message from someone who used to be a good friend and disappeared from my life when the going got tough and when I needed friends the most. Nothing was said, and there were never harsh words; she just vanished from my circle. She wasn’t the only one. My mom got sick and died in the middle of it all, and I felt as though I had come back home to a very lonely world that only existed of my kids and me, yet surrounded by a silent many. Six years after everything fell apart, and this person had long disappeared from my sisterhood. I sent her a message on a different random topic one day and said I hoped it found her well. Here it is ten years later, and as I think about her and look at our old messages, her response to me was how rough that particular year had been for her family. I responded with the appropriate sorrow and well wishes and prayers. She answered that she thinks of me from time to time and prays for me when she does.
What occurred to me, though, is that there were never, in ten years, any messages, calls, notes, or cards from her wondering, "Are you ok?" As a matter of fact, few and very far between were those who came to my side and cried with me, offered to pray with me, sit in my sorrow with me, have a Bible Study with me, or simply check on my children. They were fourteen at the time, living with and depending on me 24/7, and besides my family, who were hours away, where was the Family of God? They disappeared.
For a long time, the hurt of those who never showed up hurt almost as deep as the hurt itself. Yet, His hands were always on mine! When I couldn't see through the tears of bitterness, grief, displacement, and sorrow. When life didn't go like I thought it would. When the pain of abandonment, embarrassment, neglect, and lies made it almost impossible for me to get out of bed. When I felt lost and was drowning and like I no longer had a place and was too broken to be fixed. When I was mentally, emotionally, and physically so exhausted, I could barely continue to stand up. When I got the call in the middle of the night that now my brother was dead. When my second husband turned back to drugs and alcohol and was abusive, when he cheated, when he yelled, when he threatened, when he threw things and when he forced himself......when I had to go to court alone, and a prosecutor I've never met meets me with such personal questions, I want the world to swallow me whole. When my health falls apart, when I can't pay the electric bill when I ...just ...can't......breathe.......
When my baby's sweet, kind heart is broken when my little girl needs heart surgery and moves on to graduate college with honors, when my little boy gets married to the sweetest girl in town, or when my life is filled with a fulfilling job and friends, I cherish and love without having to look.
When a man who has suffered more loss than any man should in this life is reacquainted with a woman he met years ago in passing, God puts a desire in their hearts to know one another that's so deep it can't be resisted or denied! When lifelong desires start to make sense,
When sorrows turn to joy,
When dreams turn into fact.
When goals are achieved, a smile is permanent.
When there is safety where there was once a continuous feeling of fear.
When joy fill's my heart and praises overwhelm my tongue.....
It is abundantly clear that God has been directing this story!!
What are you facing today? Is it rejection by someone who promised to take care of you and love you until the day you died? Is it fear of the unknown results? Loneliness? Whatever the case, let me reassure you that He is there.....There IS more to your story and the best is yet to come. How do I know this?
Because I can only write this blog with His Hands On Mine! Writing this message.........To: You!
Isaiah 40:31 AMP
[31] But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] Will gain new strength and renew their power; They will lift up their wings [and rise up close to God] like eagles [rising toward the sun]; They will run and not become weary, They will walk and not grow tired.
https://bible.com/bible/1588/isa.40.31.AMP
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