Our little family went to the HS track to walk earlier in the evening. We've been walking, playing soccer in the back yard and/or dancing in the living room all week. You see, mommy is on a 'diet' and trying to get healthier and lose weight, so the whole family is enjoying activities together (and whole wheat pasta! Yeah, it's pretty good!)
As we walked on the track, Dave and Dylan kind of stuck together and talked, Abbey walked for a while with me then went to the bleachers to 'cheer us on' every time we passed, and Trevor and I stayed together. He and I talked at times, and other times just stayed silent. I asked at one time if he wanted to catch up with his brother and dad, and he said, "No, I'm just going to stay at my own pace." I noticed though that his pace matched mine. And when it didn't, his pace adjusted to mine.
At one point, I reached out and held his hand. There were several students that came while we walked, and started track practice, so I asked Trevor at one point if he was "OK with holding my hand?" He said he was and just kept holding on.
I then told him, "You know, if ever there comes a time when you don't really want to hold your moms hand in public, it's alright. Just tell me."
As soon as it was out of my mouth, and saw his hesitation; I knew......knowing Trevor like I do........ he would NEVER in a million years say something to me that he thinks might hurt my feelings. So I switched it up. I gave him 'permission' if you will, to just let go of my hand someday if it embarrassed him and say to me on the sly 'mom, not now.' And it would be OK. I would understand.
Just then a teenage boy ran past us on the track while we held hands, Trevor squeezed my hand, swung it and squeezed three times (meaning I Love You) and said "Nah, I'll just keep holdin' on."
Nah. I'll just keep holdin' on...................................
If only.
While I walked hand in hand with my handsome. tender hearted, beautiful son, I decided some things. That I have been truly blessed with GREAT kids. That I love Spring weather. That there are a LOT of Geese that have visited the football field and track (fortunately for us, they like the grass better than the track), That I love Daylight Savings time and having light later into the day. That I'm really out of shape. That this time of year just makes me 'feel good!' Period. That the teenagers here don't smile as much as my 'kids' back in Grand Rapids. And that although Bellaire, Ohio is not on my top list of vacation spots, or even on my bottom list of vacation spots, that I was starting to feel "at home" here. I thought about what flowers I might buy and plant at the house, and all the walks our family could take on the 'goose poop' track, or at Oglebay Park.......(I'm sure there's goose poop, deer poop and duck poop there too, but it's more spread out, so it doesn't seem as bad)
However, a couple of months ago, we had decided to leave here in March, but felt that God was making it clear that we were to stay at least until the kids finished school in May. So, not seeing any other option at the time, we told the landlords that we would be leaving at the end of May.
I keep pushing that out of my mind, (because I'd truly like to stay) and keep plugging along. Waiting. Waiting on decisions to be made. Waiting for jobs. Waiting on everyone else. Waiting and hoping things would change and we could just stay.
Tonight, after a lovely night with my family, and especially Trevor, Reality snuck in. As I talked with a friend, who also happens to be my landlord, I was reminded that our time here is coming to a halt. There's someone wanting to look at the house I've grown to love, to see about renting it after we are gone.......................
I wanted God to stop us from going. I wanted Dave to stop us from going. I wanted other 'outside influences' to stop us from going. I kept holdin' on............
But, just as someday, even though Trevor has every intention of always 'holdin on to my hand,' someday I know he will stop. That's the way it goes. I know that. I don't like it, and it breaks my heart. But it's the way life works. He'll stop, and then maybe he'll do it again when I'm old and he's grown and wants to take care of his old mom. But for a long time in between; He will let go of my hand.
My heart is breaking tonight with the reality that we will once again for sure be packing boxes and moving on. I can't sit around and wait for everyone else to "Hopefully make decisions" but just have to put on my big girl pants, (CLEARLY only because my 'skinny-ish pants' don't fit right now) and move on. I'll trust that God has something better in store that will soothe my aching heart. We'll continue to walk on the 'goose poop' track, go to Oglebay and other parks and play 8 point soccer games in the back yard (8pt because Dave and I are too whipped to go to 9) and I may still even plant flowers, just because they make me feel good and because I'm positive that the next people to live here would like it! However, it will all be bittersweet. Each of those activities will have a HUGE BOLD underline of knowing.........................knowing that this too shall pass (see, sometimes that's not really an encouragement)
However, I'll keep holding on to the fact that I know that I know that I know, that God always works things out for my good. I know that He will somehow, someway soothe my aching heart and make this all OK.
I could let this break me.......(and to be honest, I did for just about 15 minutes) but then I got to thinking ...................."Nah, I'll just keep holdin' on."
As we walked on the track, Dave and Dylan kind of stuck together and talked, Abbey walked for a while with me then went to the bleachers to 'cheer us on' every time we passed, and Trevor and I stayed together. He and I talked at times, and other times just stayed silent. I asked at one time if he wanted to catch up with his brother and dad, and he said, "No, I'm just going to stay at my own pace." I noticed though that his pace matched mine. And when it didn't, his pace adjusted to mine.
At one point, I reached out and held his hand. There were several students that came while we walked, and started track practice, so I asked Trevor at one point if he was "OK with holding my hand?" He said he was and just kept holding on.
I then told him, "You know, if ever there comes a time when you don't really want to hold your moms hand in public, it's alright. Just tell me."
As soon as it was out of my mouth, and saw his hesitation; I knew......knowing Trevor like I do........ he would NEVER in a million years say something to me that he thinks might hurt my feelings. So I switched it up. I gave him 'permission' if you will, to just let go of my hand someday if it embarrassed him and say to me on the sly 'mom, not now.' And it would be OK. I would understand.
Just then a teenage boy ran past us on the track while we held hands, Trevor squeezed my hand, swung it and squeezed three times (meaning I Love You) and said "Nah, I'll just keep holdin' on."
Nah. I'll just keep holdin' on...................................
If only.
While I walked hand in hand with my handsome. tender hearted, beautiful son, I decided some things. That I have been truly blessed with GREAT kids. That I love Spring weather. That there are a LOT of Geese that have visited the football field and track (fortunately for us, they like the grass better than the track), That I love Daylight Savings time and having light later into the day. That I'm really out of shape. That this time of year just makes me 'feel good!' Period. That the teenagers here don't smile as much as my 'kids' back in Grand Rapids. And that although Bellaire, Ohio is not on my top list of vacation spots, or even on my bottom list of vacation spots, that I was starting to feel "at home" here. I thought about what flowers I might buy and plant at the house, and all the walks our family could take on the 'goose poop' track, or at Oglebay Park.......(I'm sure there's goose poop, deer poop and duck poop there too, but it's more spread out, so it doesn't seem as bad)
However, a couple of months ago, we had decided to leave here in March, but felt that God was making it clear that we were to stay at least until the kids finished school in May. So, not seeing any other option at the time, we told the landlords that we would be leaving at the end of May.
I keep pushing that out of my mind, (because I'd truly like to stay) and keep plugging along. Waiting. Waiting on decisions to be made. Waiting for jobs. Waiting on everyone else. Waiting and hoping things would change and we could just stay.
Tonight, after a lovely night with my family, and especially Trevor, Reality snuck in. As I talked with a friend, who also happens to be my landlord, I was reminded that our time here is coming to a halt. There's someone wanting to look at the house I've grown to love, to see about renting it after we are gone.......................
I wanted God to stop us from going. I wanted Dave to stop us from going. I wanted other 'outside influences' to stop us from going. I kept holdin' on............
But, just as someday, even though Trevor has every intention of always 'holdin on to my hand,' someday I know he will stop. That's the way it goes. I know that. I don't like it, and it breaks my heart. But it's the way life works. He'll stop, and then maybe he'll do it again when I'm old and he's grown and wants to take care of his old mom. But for a long time in between; He will let go of my hand.
My heart is breaking tonight with the reality that we will once again for sure be packing boxes and moving on. I can't sit around and wait for everyone else to "Hopefully make decisions" but just have to put on my big girl pants, (CLEARLY only because my 'skinny-ish pants' don't fit right now) and move on. I'll trust that God has something better in store that will soothe my aching heart. We'll continue to walk on the 'goose poop' track, go to Oglebay and other parks and play 8 point soccer games in the back yard (8pt because Dave and I are too whipped to go to 9) and I may still even plant flowers, just because they make me feel good and because I'm positive that the next people to live here would like it! However, it will all be bittersweet. Each of those activities will have a HUGE BOLD underline of knowing.........................knowing that this too shall pass (see, sometimes that's not really an encouragement)
However, I'll keep holding on to the fact that I know that I know that I know, that God always works things out for my good. I know that He will somehow, someway soothe my aching heart and make this all OK.
I could let this break me.......(and to be honest, I did for just about 15 minutes) but then I got to thinking ...................."Nah, I'll just keep holdin' on."
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